"That never happened": understanding gaslighting and reclaiming your reality

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling confused, foggy, or somehow smaller than when it started?

Have you found yourself apologising without being quite sure what you did wrong?

Have you started to wonder whether your memory is faulty, your instincts are off, or you're simply too much?

If any of that resonates, you may be experiencing gaslighting. It's one of the most subtle and most damaging dynamics I support women through, and it's also one of the most misunderstood.

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tactic where someone causes you to doubt your own memory, perception or judgement. It's used to gain power and control in a relationship.

You might hear phrases like:

• "That never happened."
• "You're just being sensitive."
• "You always twist what I say."

Over time, those statements chip away at your self-trust. You start second-guessing your version of events, even when something deep inside you knows that something isn't right.

Gaslighting can happen in intimate relationships, in families and in workplaces. Anywhere there's a power imbalance, it can take hold.

What gaslighting is not

This distinction matters, so I'd like you to sit with it for a moment.

Gaslighting is not:

• Misunderstanding or poor communication
• Having a different perspective about a situation (it may be true for them)
• Asking for clarification
• Avoiding a difficult conversation
• Being emotionally reactive

These behaviours can still hurt. But they don't involve an ongoing intent to distort your reality.

Gaslighting is intentional, repetitive and manipulative.

And it is never your fault.

Why it happens

Gaslighting isn't about misunderstanding. It's about control.

Someone who gaslights may do it to avoid taking responsibility, to shift blame onto you, to stay in a position of dominance, or to create emotional dependency.

It may come from learned behaviour or their own history, and that doesn't excuse it.

There is never a valid reason to manipulate someone into doubting their own truth.

5 common gaslighting tactics

Here's what these tactics tend to sound like.

• Outright lying: "You're making that up."
• Reality questioning: "Are you sure that's how it happened?"
• Trivialising: "You're too emotional."
• Changing the narrative: "It's your fault I get upset."
• Scapegoating: "You're the reason I act this way."

These tactics create emotional confusion, a fear of making mistakes, and a deep sense of self-blame that can be very hard to shake.

The emotional toll

If you're experiencing gaslighting, you may find yourself constantly doubting your own memory. You may feel like you're walking on eggshells. You may apologise for what isn't your fault, struggle to make even small decisions, or stay in relationships that aren't safe for you because you no longer trust your own instincts.

Here's what I would like you to hear clearly.

• 🤍 You are not overreacting.
• 🤍 You are not broken.
• 🤍 You are not the problem.

Gaslighting and controlling relationships

Gaslighting is often just one part of a broader pattern of controlling behaviour.

That pattern might include:

• monitoring your movements or finances
• isolating you from the people who support you
• blaming you for their behaviour
• consistently making you feel like you're the problem.

Over time, you stop trusting yourself and start organising your life around managing theirs.

Laws in Australia are evolving to recognise these patterns of controlling behaviour as a form of domestic and family violence. That's an important shift, and one I value both professionally and personally. When society validates what so many women have lived through, it becomes a little easier to stop questioning yourself.

I work with women who've left a relationship like this and are now trying to understand why they keep finding the same kind of man. Gaslighting often plays a central role in that pattern. Not because these women are broken or lack judgement, but because gaslighting is designed to disconnect you from yourself.

Of course it leaves a mark.

How to change the story

If it's OK with you, here are 4 steps to consider.

1. Trust yourself again

If something feels off, it probably is. Your body and your emotions are messengers. They deserve your attention, not your dismissal.

2. Use "I" statements

Someone who gaslights is often looking for an argument. You don't have to take part in one.

Try:

• "I remember it differently."
• "That doesn't feel true for me."
• "This conversation is making me uncomfortable."

You don't need to convince them. You just need to stay anchored in your own experience.

3. Set boundaries

You are allowed to say:

• "This conversation isn't safe for me right now."
• "I'm stepping away."
• "I'm not available for blame or distortion."

4. Seek support

Counselling, Coaching and community can help you see more clearly and rebuild your sense of self. You don't have to navigate this alone.

Reconnect with your inner compass

The most powerful step you can take after gaslighting is reclaim your right to trust yourself.

You are allowed to believe what you feel.

You are allowed to remember what happened.

You are allowed to walk away from confusion, even when you can't fully explain it yet.

Clarity comes with space. Confidence grows through validation. Healing begins when you stop absorbing someone else's distortion as your truth.

A final thought

Gaslighting is a slow erasure of self. Healing from it is a bold act of courage.

You are the expert on your own experience. You do not have to explain your reality to those who are committed to denying it.

You deserve connection, clarity, and relationships that make you feel more like yourself, not less.

And if you're reading this and thinking, this sounds familiar, please know this: you are not alone, and you are not crazy.

Where to start

Maybe you're still unsure whether what you experienced was gaslighting. Or you've left a controlling relationship and you're trying to understand how you got there. Either way, the FREE 7-Day Manipulation Detox is a great place to start.

It's a FREE email challenge: one short email a day for 7 days, designed to help you spot red flags before you fall for them.

Start the FREE 7-Day Manipulation Detox